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Number 2 – Barnyard Masturbator · Worst Jobs.com

Number 2 – Barnyard Masturbator

 Ideal for: People with an animal fetish.

 Job specifications: So basically, your job is to collect animal sperm. Depending on the kind of budget your boss is working on (and how much he hates you), you’ll be sent to the fields with a) an electric probe, to be pushed into the animal’s rectum, b) an artificial vagina—you know what to do, or c) a small towel for your hands. You go there, do your deed, and possibly, share a cigarette and promise to call him in the morning. Just be careful not to give him any, er, “bull” about commitment. You can always say that you’re incompatible, and maybe you’re better off being with someone from the same species.

 Drawbacks: Unless you really, really, really love animals, this ranks really high on the weirdness chart of most people. And it’s not safe—and we’re not just talking about whether or not the condom will break. Once the dairy bull gets really randy with a steer, the technician’s got to insert himself between the two very large, very annoyed animals (how would you feel is somebody barged into your bed?) and manoeuvre the bull’s penis into the mock genitalia, holding on tight till the bull orgasms. What happens if you get kicked, or if you miss and the bull aims in your direction, is best left to the imagination.

 Perks: Call the right “independent film producers” and you could earn a few extra bucks selling viewing privileges.

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