Ideal for: any bird that’s too fat to fly away Job Specifications: You eat. And Eat. And Eat. For months you feel like Queen of the Farm. All the food you want, free space to roam, and everyday the Farmer’s Wife picks you up and personally checks if you’re fine. Aaaah, that’s the [...]
Ideal for: someone who likes, er, sucking up Job Specifications: You are placed on the body of the very ill, so you can suck away all the toxins and correct skin problems through the mysterious healing powers of the enzymes in your saliva. Sounds easy…but disgusting. Everyday you feast on pus-soaked bodies, gangrenous [...]
Ideal for: cats, bats, newts, or any very mysterious animal with a link to the occult (must enjoy working in the dark and speeding through the sky on a broom) Job Specifications: You supposedly provide your mistress with all sorts of powers, and accompany her in all of her tasks, including the alleged [...]
Ideal for: small, protein-rich insects and creepy crawlies Job specifications: See that pretty shiny hook? Want to play with it? And…hey! Want to take a fun ride into the ocean? Yeah, that’s right! You get to go swimming. Now hang on tight, and don’t worry about the nice looking fish. They just want [...]
Ideal for: sturdy creatures, like donkeys who do not mind hard, hard, hard, boring work Job specifications: With FedEx still centuries away, you have to carry the heavy luggage of humans as they go from one city to another. Drawbacks: Humans tend to cart around a lot of things. Sacks of grain. [...]
Ideal for: musically inclined primates Job specifications: You wear a ridiculous jacket and wave stupidly at passers-by while your boss plays the same music everyday. You try to look cute. You do tricks and charm the audience. You stop yourself from biting stupid children who poke at you and make funny faces. [...]
Ideal for: strong and dependable animals who seek plenty of exercise Job specifications: Centuries before cabs are invented, you are the only means of transportation. Essentially you pull around a carriage around the cobbled streets of the city, bringing people where they need to go. Drawbacks: If you’re lucky you get a [...]
Ideal for: very strong, aggressive dogs who want a taste of celebrity life Job specifications: You’re starved for several days, so you’ll be more vicious, before you’re thrown into a pit with an equally angry and desperate dog. So you fight each other. The winner gets food. The loser becomes food. How’s that [...]
Ideal for: holy animals, as specified by the Old Testament Job specifications: You are led to a pile of rocks, and then slowly roasted to death as an offering to the heavens. (Or your neck is slit with a sharp knife – not your choice I’m afraid.) Drawbacks: While you would’ve ended [...]
Ideal for: cute little musical birds who can sing a song loud and clear…even if it’s their last Job Specifications: You and a little boy are sent down a mine shaft to check if there are poisonous gases, loose boulders, or dangerous pathways that could save in at any second. If they hear [...]